My mind is at rest this morning, my heart could potentially explode as I think about meeting, yet another little boy to love on. The bond between a mom and son is like no other, as I'm sure is the same way with a daughter, but as I was driving to the hospital last week, I couldn't help but be overcome with pride. It's my job as a mom to instill in my boys the meaning of loving well, forgiving well, and helping them be role models and leaders for their own spouses on day. I know that's a long way away, but it's humbling to be apart of a bigger picture.
As a woman who struggled with infertility for years, my heart ached for the opportunity to be a mom, and those were some hard fought days. Days of helplessness, days that seemed unfair, but days that I look back now and can appreciate God's constant pursuit of my heart, cultivating it for something bigger than I could have pictured myself. Just thinking of those days brings back so many emotions but God was working on my heart, preparing me for all of this--days filled with doctor's appointments, therapies, shots, hospital, surgeries and endless procedures. I wouldn't have been ready. Point blank. There are some days I still don't feel equipped for the battle of fighting for Easton, his life and his care. Often times, we'd like to know why or just want to know when God is going to fulfill his promises, but where's the trust in that. Even if His promises don't match my plan, He is still good. If I knew that this was God's plan for my life, I would have "changed lines" and completely robbed myself of the joy that He set out to give me. Sure, we are deep in the throes of difficultly, heart ache, and not knowing what lies ahead for our sweet Easton Bauer, but God is still good and has continued to provide us with joy amidst suffering.
Ten months ago, we handed Easton off for his first open heart surgery, only to find out ten days later about our new pregnancy. Ten months later, we passed Easton off for his second surgery, only to be weeks away from meeting our sweet Bennett. One of my biggest fears as a parent was thinking that God was giving us Bennett to help take away the pain of losing Easton, if that ever were to happen, but God doesn't work like that. He doesn't give to take away, He gives to enrich and enhance and all the while coaches me to put one foot in front of the other; to continue to trust in Him for everything. I'm often told, "I don't know how you do it," but I take comfort in knowing that I am just a small vessel being used for something bigger. God is my artist, I am his paintbrush, and he's using all of THIS to form His creation.
So, today is the day! Anxious but ready to meet the newest member of the Sparks clan. Happy that God has chosen to grow our family, probably not how we had "originally" envisioned it all happening, but thankful that he is guiding the paintbrush as he continues to create and work on our masterpiece.
