This morning the boys were sitting quietly and playing (in their respected areas) and my heart couldn’t help but feel burdened and weary. It’s hard to pinpoint the exact point in time where life seemed to shift in unexpected ways, but in all honesty, each one of us has had shattered expectations when it comes to life. Sure, my life is complicated and we’ve walked through a lot that most haven’t had to, but we aren’t the only ones struggling. I’m not the only one with a “wide-load” bumper sticker stamped on my forehead. I say wide load because lately when I’m out with the boys, pushing the double stroller, for some reason, I must look like an 18 wheeler on interstate with an additional truck behind me carrying that bright yellow “wide load” sign with flashing lights. I normally just chuckle and say no, but as I keep plowing along and begin to think, I do have a wide load…I come with a lot of baggage. AND that’s ok (or that’s what I’m realizing)
I think most of us probably do. I don’t necessarily have any skeletons in my closet, but life has been, well life. It’s hard. It’s riddled with the mountains that need moving, but not void of the joys and pleasures that come with doing life-with a spouse, with family, with community.
As I continue to stroll around the store (with my wide load), encountering people, there’s a four word question that Is quickly becoming a pet peeve of mine, “How are you doing?” Do people I see in the grocery store, or at the park, or just anywhere, really want to know how I’m doing? As I think about my life as of late, what should I pick to share...the heartache of an infertility battle that we fought through( and won). A high risk pregnancy. A baby born with a complex and rare form of heart disease, who is praise God, growing into a toddler (and complete boy). About getting pregnant just six months of Easton’s life and his first open heart surgery. A second open heart surgery for my 13 month old, being 37 weeks pregnant with Bennett. Having a life in two cities for healthcare purposes. Deciding to move. Looking for jobs. Putting our house on the market and Stephen leaving his last job that took care of us so well. Getting into a really awful work situation and leaving that job. Our house selling but no where to go. Finding a new job. Living with my parents, with our kids for two months. Single parenting while Stephen is in Houston working and me back with my parents. How much COBRA cost. Our new house. Stephen’s new job (which he is enjoying). Another heart CATH…..AND THE LIST CAN GO ON AND ON AND ON. When people ask the question, it’s more so out of habit or etiquette, but the older I get, I’m tired of the response, “I’m good.” It’s not true. Well, it’s not the honest truth. I might be good in that moment, but when I take a step back and look at the grand scheme of things, we’ve been through A LOT. We’ve been through so much that an “I’m good” rids me of the ability to be able to share our story, to share how God has continued to be good to us, even when I can’t seem to steer my way out of a paper bag.
As I think about this new opportunity we have on our horizon, it’s exciting yet daunting. Tomorrow we move into our new home! We finally get to put down some roots here in Houston and we are looking forward to what is in store here. I know the focus of our move here was to provide Easton with a better life and the opportunity to do and see more because we will be closer to his health care team. For Stephen and I, we want to use this opportunity to be more intentional with others. Forming relationships at this stage of life (with young babies, especially a medically needy one), it’s hard to not just want to settle for surface level, small talk friendships, but since life is life, I want to find people to do life with here, that are willing to dive into my problems, and vice versa.
This morning, as I was trying to be productive, the mom guilt ran high as we watched our umpteenth episode of Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, but I felt the tug on my heart that I needed to sit down and write. I didn’t know what direction this blog was going to go in. Putting pen to paper (or this case just fingers to keyboard), always feels like a lifted load off my shoulders, helps ease the burdens of my heart and mind. Helps me to be honest with myself that yes, life lately has been wide load, but it’s alright to not be “good” all the time.
