No Mistakes

“God of mercy sweet love of mine

I have surrendered to your design

May this offering stretch across the skies

And these Halleluiahs be multiplied” 

NEEDTOBREATHE chorus, “Multiplied” 

Oh how my heart clings to the truth in the lyrics of this sweet song. I can remember being 33 weeks (ish) pregnant and going to see NEEDTOBREATHE in concert, feeling overly pregnant and one of the “older” ones in the crowd. This song came on and I as I rubbed my belly that held my sweet boy, I thought about how the lyrics reflect the anthem of our journey as Easton’s parents; our little heart warrior. I love the line that says, “I have surrendered to your design,” even though so very often, I don’t want to surrender to His design—I do but I don’t. I want to surrender to his design, but I’m afraid of what it may look like. I fear the unknown, but I should’t have to because God’s plan, even when I can’t see/understand, is perfect. Why is it so hard to willingly surrender to His plan? 

The Lord doesn’t make mistakes. It was no mistake that Stephen and I would struggle with infertility. It was by no mistake that the company whom Stephen works for helped cover the cost of our infertility. It was no mistake that we found out that Easton has heart disease at 21 weeks pregnant. It was no mistake that the cardiologist here gave us to option abort our sweet little boy. It was no mistake that the very conversation with said doctor drove us to choosing Texas Children’s as Easton’s primary care center. It is no mistake that we have been tremendously blessed by our family and friends to help cover cost while we are there. It is no mistake that strangers (turned friends) serve us by opening their home to us while we are in Houston. It is by NO mistake that Stephen and I are Easton’s parents. He picked us. Plain and simple. It is by NO mistake that we are exactly where we should be. You get the picture (Courtney)? 

So, it should be EASY for me to see that the Lord’s plans are perfect and He is steadfast--never wavering. But, it’s in the still and quiet that I sometimes struggle with the thoughts of if the worst case scenario were to happen. Why is it that I (maybe, we?) always picture the worst case scenario? If I know that the Lord is good and gracious, why do I fear the worst, when obviously if the worst were to happen, it’d still be the Lord’s best. Even in pain and suffering, the Lord hasn’t made some mistake; He knows and is in control. He’s saying, “Surrender the control…my will and plan are perfect.”  

Tonight I was dancing with Easton, trying to lull him asleep and I had the thought, I can’t wait to dance with him at his wedding, one day. Then, all of the sudden, fear and anxiety crept in and I had the thought, “But what if he doesn’t make it to his wedding day.” and it made me sad. That’s when the Lord brought the first line in the NEEDTOBREATHE song (that I quoted earlier) to mind: “Your love is like radiant diamonds bursting inside us, We cannot contain.” The Lord’s love is radiant...we shouldn't be able to contain it! Do I understand pain and suffering? No, but I have to believe and hold to the truth that it’s in the pain and suffering that I get to experience Jesus a little bit more. If anything, in my pain and suffering I get to partake in the height, depth, and breadth of His perfect, radiant love. Even when I can’t see that His plan is perfect or understand the pain of handing my sweet baby boy over to the surgical team as they prep him for surgeries and procedures, I can take peace that if I surrender to the Lord’s plan, there are simply NO mistakes. 

In this crazy and unknown season of life, I am LOVING and enjoying being a momma. Easton is “ours” but I ultimately know that he really is His. He is such a gift to be treasured. A daily tangible reminder and testimony of the Lord’s faithfulness and how He makes NO mistakes. Easton was fearfully and wonderfully made and in His image. My prayer tonight is simple, that I would be able to surrender to the Lord’s design. To forfeit all my “what-if’s” and to simply rest in His good and perfect plan.