Miscarriage

Yesterday will be a day that is forever etched in my mind and heart. Stephen and I have been sitting on top of a big secret for the past four months but it all changed within the blink of an eye. We found out yesterday that the sweet baby we were expecting passed away sometime after my twelve week appointment. 

I knew something was wrong when they couldn’t find the heartbeat with the Doppler and had two people try. Then, another professional with and ultrasound machine came in and I’ve seen enough ultrasound images to know that the baby wasn’t moving and wriggling around like it had just three weeks ago. Numbness came over me as people came in and out of the room as they tried to make a game plan. Everything was compounded by the fact that my doctor was in a delivery and not able to be at the appointment. It didn’t feel real and still doesn’t. It’s hard to believe that for 11 weeks I found my myself hovering over sinks and toilets and to make it to what is considered to be the safe zone in pregnancy, only to be reminded that there is no safety net.  Life is precious and I don’t understand why this has happened, but ultimately I’m left to trust that God has a better plan. 

Look, life is difficult and our lives haven’t been void of pain and heartache. This is yet another “thing” to add to a list of “things” that you don’t ever want to experience. We’re now in the middle of this, waiting to hear from the doctor on what’s next. Most likely I will be admitted to the hospital later this week for a procedure of some kind to be done. I’m more anxious about that than being swallowed by grief. My heart is heavy knowing that we’ve lost one of the most precious gifts and blessings that this life has to offer, but I am not overcome. Yesterday as they preformed all the ultrasounds, I watched my TWO wild and crazy little boys run around the room opening doors and making trouble. Both of which are very much so our miracles and daily reminders that God’s plan is sufficient and good. I’ve seen Him work in ways that I can’t even comprehend but I know He is present and in this miscarriage with us. Our pain is real and I’m sure that the next few weeks will be trying as we sift through and process what’s happened, but we won’t give up. We will continue to press on and know that God WILL provide.