The word disease is a hard word to hear and then let alone
cope with. I don’t think I realized that when Easton was first diagnosed with
his heart defeats that he now fits under the umbrella of having heart disease;
however, he does. Our son has heart disease. As any parent, it’s hard to hear
that anything is wrong with your baby, but to hear that our son, Easton, suffers from a
potentially life threatening condition was my tipping point today.
So far, along this journey, all the doctors have given us a
hopeful prognosis (with a long road to recovery) but today’s doctor’s
appointment, left my heart burdened to hear that Easton may not live, once the doctors are able to see what his heart looks like after birth. We don’t know and won’t know until
after his arrival. Today the neonatologist told us that with all heart
diseases, there is a spectrum, and I guess I hadn’t allowed myself to ever
venture to the “other side of the spectrum.” I’ve visited and often visit the
fixable side of the spectrum, but today my heart, mind, and eyes were exposed
to the less talked about side of the spectrum. I find it a difficult balance
between maintaining hope that Easton’s heart can be restored and made complete
and that if it cant, that it’ll somehow be all ok. As much as it pains me and
is hard to write that it will all be ok (regardless of the outcome), I know
deep in my core that it’s the truth. You see, I HAVE to cling to the truth that
Jesus is in control of ALL things, and that whatever happens, it’ll be His will
and plan for our lives.
On the car ride home, I was overwhelmed with so many
emotions of frustration, grief, jealousy, and the list could go on and on.
Stephen was driving and speaking truth along with sharing how different people
have shared that they now feel like they know people with unshakable faith. I
had to laugh because I said, “Surely you don’t mean me.” The same person who
was just asking doubting questions about God’s plan and perfect will. (Why is
God allowing us to suffer? Why Easton? Why us?) To others, people see us as
having unshakable faith…it made my eyes fill with tears that people see us as
strong believers in the midst of the storm. Jokingly, to push back the tears, I
said, I’m ok/have been ok to be rowing along in my pirogue (it’s a small boat)
sized faith boat, and the Lord is calling me over to a yacht. I told Stephen
that I was perfectly fine in my faith boat, but apparently the Lord has bigger
and better plans in this yacht of his. At least the Lord is with us in the
waters and never intends on leaving or abandoning us. In my heart, I do believe
that even on days when my heart and brain aren’t working at the same processing
speed.
When we got home, I got a text message from an old friend
and all it said was that he loved us and as praying for us. In that moment, I
am (yet again) humbled at how the Lord is using past friendships, current
friendships, and even those unknown to us to minister to my weary soul on days
like today. Not all days are bad days but on even when the news is heavy and my
soul is burdened, I take rest in that God is paving our path and thankfully
letting others journey it with us.
I find it fitting that this morning I came across this bible
verse that reads, “The Lord makes a way through the sea and a path through the
mighty waters.” (Isaiah 43:16)
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