Days like today, are just hard days. There's no rhyme or reason but today's was one of THOSE days. You know the kind of days I'm talking about.
Today marked two weeks since we found out about Easton's heart defeats, and the past few weeks have been filled with phone calls, voice messages, doctors appointments, and lots and lots of prayers. Prayers from friends, family members, and by now, people who we personally do not know but have somehow or another been led to pray for us and our sweet little boy.
I don't know exactly what was the tipping point today, or if there was even one to begin with. I'm finding that I don't really have bad days, I have moments where I'm overwhelmed. Mostly, my days are good, filled with the hustle and bustle of work duties, but I find that when I'm tired, I'm vulnerable. And when I'm vulnerable, I'm emotional. Hence, herein lies my tough day.
Easton's cardiologist called to check on us today. Who does that? I have felt at peace along this journey because I feel as though God is putting the right people and doctors in our path who are going to work to mend and fix our son's heart. As nice as it was to talk to the Dr., I found that it was once again a painful door in my heart to open. It's not like I forget his has "complicated" heart problems, it's just that life continues to go on in our day to day lives. After about twenty minutes of talking with the cardiologist, my heart was just saddened and heavy. I found, and often find myself asking, "Why Easton?" But there are multiple things in my life that I will just not ever know. What I do know is that God has fearfully and wonderfully made Easton and placed him in my uterus and has allowed him to grow and develop thus far. When I think about how a year ago, my heart was heavy at the thought of not knowing if we would even have children, it's in these times, I have to cling to the truth that He is faithful. Period.
We got another phone call from a neonatologist. Not a stranger, but we have a unique connection with this doctor. He was very nice and very helpful. But I found myself, once again, faced with the hard truths that we may have to face in just a few short months. To be told that he will be kept alive by multiple machines, in a NICU for possibly several months, and most gut wrenching but not being able to hold him for quite some time can do a work on the heart of any mama.
I don't feel capable or strong enough for all of this, especially on days like today. But then I'm reminded of the pure miracle that I have growing inside of me. He was kicking and moving around, and I take that as, "Hey! Mom, don't count me out!" It's in those moments that I can exhale all of my worries and inhale the goodness and thankfulness of having this sweet peanut who continues to grow and develop in me.
Are my hard days over? Absolutely not but I rest assured that we have people who love us and are praying not only for Easton's heart but for also, for us, his parents. For those of you who are praying, I may never meet you or even know you, but am beyond humbled and blessed to be apart of your prayer life. It's through the thoughts and prayers, that help carry me through on days like today.
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