Life is Really Changing

So much about this pregnancy has been unplannable because of Easton’ heart disease, making this OCD planner and avid list maker just surrender that I have no control over life. For those of you reading this, and who know my family, I come from a long line of planners and analytical thinkers, and that gene was 100% passed down to me but the jury is still out on whether it’s a healthy gene to have or not:) 

As we have/continue to walk this very unclear journey with our son’s heart condition, I’ve thrown my hands up and haven’t spent more than two seconds even trying to figure out what life will look like once Easton is here. So many new moms think about what and how the rhyme and rhythm of having a newborn will look like, and when I think about that it makes me laugh because secretly they do know. They know that they will incur many sleepless nights, lots of middle of the night bottle feedings, and being home ridden for the first few weeks as the baby builds up an immunity his/her new world. When I think about the rhyme and rhythm of life, what would have once given me anxiety, for the past 11 weeks, the Lord has given me a peace to just really enjoy this very active baby who calls my belly his home. Are there days that my mind gets ahead of itself and doubts/fears/questions creep in and consume my thoughts—absolutely, but in general it’s been such a blessing to be able to rub my belly and to be thankful for each and every day this unique and special little boy is alive.

Being pregnant is by far the coolest and most humbling experience, and I don’t say that lightly because for so long I read blogs and visited websites of people who were pregnant and maybe just never understood what a blessing it was to be pregnant. I’ve walked the path of infertility that was full of pain and heartache not knowing if I’d ever be able to experience the true miracle of being able to carry a baby. Looking back at our path of infertility, I absolutely know that the Lord was using that experience to culminate and grow our hearts (mine in particular) for this long journey. Infertility was just another road that lent itself to not be able to be planned, with many unknown variables (in our case), and I can’t help to make the connection that it was just the beginning of God making me surrender my desire of control.

Well, yesterday was the first time in over two months that we got definitive news. I’m having a baby! Haha, that seemed more fun to write than what I was actually going to write:) We had another very long day of appointments and check ups with our new doctors in Houston, and we felt such a peace about the doctors that have been put in our path to help care for me as well as our son. However, yesterday was the first time in over two months that a doctor gave us some definitive news, and that was the actual date that Stephen I would have to temporarily relocate to Houston. (I’m sure that wasn’t as climatic as you were expecting but let me explain.) That date became a lump in my throat that was hard to swallow for the rest of the day because it means that life is REALLY changing. Having a baby is a already a huge change, but having a baby with special cardiac needs, that requires him to be at one of the nation’s best hospitals for cardiology care is even bigger news to accept. As I sat and listened, (once again didn’t think about the logistics of moving—for some reason that doesn’t freak me out—praise God) my heart became overwhelmingly sad at the thought of leaving our home, missing weekly dinners with the Dukes, last minute get-togethers with the Chevaliers and Eadies, roaming the halls of school as I catch up with work friends, the sweet belly rubs from some of my favorite students, walking into church late on Sunday mornings, and probably the most difficult—missing the birth of my best friend’s little girl. Even as a type this, it’s hard to not get teary eyed at just how life is REALLY changing. I know that this is not permanent but when life throws you a curve ball, it’s nice to be able to fall back on the comfort and security of the “knowns” but those are far and few between in Houston. I know and trust that God will continue to lead us and guide us along this road. Never once have I felt abandoned; questioned what the heck God is and was doing—totally, but have felt the love and support by so many people.

We also had another heart echocardiogram yesterday that caused even the nation’s most skilled cardiologists and fetal imagers to scratch their heads. One of the doctors asked during the scan what our occupations were and I said that we were two very ordinary people (a teacher and CPA/financial analyst) but we just so happen to have a son with an extraordinary heart—to that she couldn’t agree more. The good news in all of this is that Easton continues to grow and so does his heart. Some of the intricacies are becoming more defined but there are still a lot of puzzle pieces that are actual question marks scribbled on the heart diagrams that we receive. I’m actually not going to explain what we’ve been told because it has literally changed at every appointment but what I absolutely can confirm is that Easton has a rare and unique heart and heart disease. The cardiologist even confirmed that the fact that he wasn’t naturally aborted in early pregnancy and has a heart that is this unique is a miracle. That’s right people—our little red ninja, is a special little boy that God has big plans for! This mamma fails to see and remember that sometimes but Easton has been so fearfully and wonderfully made and God has deemed his life into existence for a purpose.

As we left Houston early today, my heart was just sad and tears started to roll down my cheeks. I was just overwhelmed by our weekend. Stephen and I talked about how we didn’t do a good job protecting my heart this weekend. It was great to see friends and spend time with them, but what my heart longs for is hard to put into words. I wish our situation was different and as much as I want to control the situation and change it, somehow ALL of THIS is for God’s glory. I can’t explain it and some days I have a hard time understanding it, but deep DEEP down I know it’s the truth. After thirty minutes of me blubbering, I had the thought that the next time we make the drive from Houston to Keller, we will hopefully be bringing the cutest little Sparks back with us. Even now, it’s hard to not let that make the tears start to flow again. The thought of a car seat in my “mom car,” with sweet baby Easton inside of it makes my heart bounce with joy. A day that my heart and mind dream for and pray that we will get to experience with this little doodlebug. I know that God specifically put that thought there because it gives me hope on this hard journey that we walk.

A lot of you have constantly been asking what to be praying for specifically in regards to Easton’s health. Well, you can be praying for a full term baby, for the rest of his body to continue to grow and develop, for his heart—that it would continue to beat strongly and that his blood function would be sustained—if not improved, and lastly for the doctors that will be working closely with us to monitor him for the remainder of this pregnancy and after his birth. We still are working with the knowledge that within the first six days of his life he will require surgery (could be a major open heart surgery where he is put on a bypass machine or it could be a less invasive heart surgery…if that is such a thing). With all of this information, we do know that as of now, he will need a series of reconstructive surgeries over the course of his childhood years to help get his heart to where it needs to be to sustain life.

Stephen and I have been blown away by those of you who have asked how you can financially help us as we are about to relocate and incur a whole new level of experiences. We were completely humbled that some of our closest friends here started a Go-Fund-Me Account for us, specifically in regards to Easton’s health care in Houston. For those you who have already given, a thank you will never be sufficient. (If you are interested in donating, you can find the link towards the top right hand side of the page) To those of you who have given your time to pray for Easton, a huge thank you will never be enough. For those of you who are constantly texting or stopping whenever you see us to check in on us, we are so grateful. Even as we walk in a hazy abyss, for our supporters—in every way, we are blessed immeasurably by your diligence to love and continue to peruse our hearts.