So Many Questions

To say that I've had a lack of words to share is not true, but what I seem to lack is time. For some reason, ever since we got back from Houston, really ever since we found out about Easton's heart conditions, life has been nonstop. Our weekly schedules are filled with work obligations, doctor’s appointments, and more. There are some days that I literally have to make a list of people to text back because the day gets so busy and pregnancy brain is real! Needless to say, Stephen and I are in desperate need of rest and rejuvenation. For those of you who have kids, you’re probably laughing because once said baby arrives, there is little to NO rest.

           In this season of business and with all of the unknowns, cue in a tired and weary mind. We all know that when we're worn down is when fear and anxiety quickly seep in rule your thoughts. Well, I am no different. I was recently sharing with my one of best friends, my thoughts and fears about having this baby. On a daily basis I get bombarded with a million questions, to the point I'm thinking about making shirts that say, "I don't know." Honestly, I don't know much of anything other than I have fears and I am scared. I don't always see fear as a crippling device but rather as something to propel me onward. I see fear as one side of the seesaw but on the other side I see hope. Every day is a balancing act. When I'm afraid about the birth of my son, I think about the hope of him being healed.

The absolute hardest question that I get all the time (because apparently I look like a whale (with potentially another 6 weeks to go) is, "Oh, I bet you're getting so excited! Aren't you?" And truthfully, I’m not. It's selfish of me and I'll explain why. Every day I get to experience the kicks, jabs, and body limbs in my ribs of this sweet little peanut; Easton is very alive in me (even as I write, he is making his presence known). However, the moment that he is born, and the cord is cut, there are no assurances. I can't supply him with life anymore. He will no longer depend on me. I have to let go and trust. As a mom, it makes me sad to think that I'm going to be completely helpless as we watch health care workers, cardiologists, and surgeons try to save our little man's life. Even as the time to his birthday approaches, we still put our hope in the Lord. We put our hope in Him not that he would miraculous heal him (although it is on the prayer list), but that He would continue to lead us, strengthen us, encourage us, and prepare our hearts for His greater plan. So much of the journey to pregnancy and even now, I’ve learned and still am learning to not put my hope in a particular outcome. God shouldn’t have to work around my expectations for how I think the plan should be designed. Obviously, this is not the path I had envisioned for Stephen or myself. Having a baby with rare forms of heart disease was nowhere on my radar, but it’s the Lord’s perfect plan for our lives. I don’t understand it and doubt I ever will, but I take comfort in that He has already gone before us and paved this path. Regardless of the outcome, I pray that my faith is strong enough to say that God is still good, that He knows and loves me.
          

I'm strong enough to know and willingly admit my weaknesses. There are SO many days when I think I'm not strong enough to walk this journey, but this is when I’m challenged to lean on the Lord and I am so encouraged by many of you. Receiving sweet phone calls and text messages, cards, hugs, gifts, etc, all of these are tangible ways in which the Lord is constantly reminded me of how he has surrounded us with such an army of supporters who are helping bear our burdens.