Fear. It has an uncanny ability to seep in my mind and put doubts in my thoughts about Easton and life. Yesterday was good day. I was a "ninja mom," hopeful to get to hold my baby boy, wipe his snotty nose, and swaddle him to sleep. This morning, was a different picture. My heart was burdened my mind going 90 miles an hour, wondering about the rhythm of how and what life will look like after Easton is born. To make matters worse, I revisited a blog that had been given to me, of another "heart mom's" journey, and sadly, her sweet baby did not make it past four months of age. As I read her raw emotions of losing a baby, tears filled my eyes and began to roll down my face, just pained to learn of her loss. Her child, successfully made it through their first major heart surgery, but ended up dying from an infection. The same infection that you or I have had several times, but her sweet babe didn't survive.
Fear. I'm afraid of this path that Stephen and I continue to walk. On days like today, I don't feel like a ninja mom, I feel like blubbering in the still and quiet of Easton's nursery, as I sit and try to regain focus that God has already paved our path, Easton's path, and will continue to lead and guide us. I so badly wish that I could tell you how brave I am and that I can be strong irregardless of bad days, but I, myself, do not have the capability of doing it alone. Really and truly, I cling to my faith, and hold fast to the truth (sometimes it's begrudgingly) that I am loved and that God is in control of all things. I was talking with someone at work, and they mentioned how I was being bold in my faith, but the way I see it, is that there is NO other way. I don't know how I would walk this path, without the hope that I don't have to hold my future, but to know that someone else who deeply loves me does. His plan is far superior to mine and although hard to see where this ship is sailing, is for my good and His glory. I can't look back on my 26 years of life and not tell you that God hasn't been faithful because He has. I have to have something to anchor my soul during tribulation and that is God. I know that it's easy for others to mock my beliefs but it's all I have on days like today.
Thankfully, the Lord was gracious and didn't allow me to sit and stew in sadness for long. Literally, as soon as I could not read any more, I received a sweet picture from my sister-in-law of her company in shirts that they had made for a heart walk in Baton Rouge. On the shirts was a ninja and it said Team Easton Bauer on them. It was hard to not get choked up thinking about how thankful we are that people are ALL over the place praying for us and supporting our "little red ninja." Stephen and I personally don't know the people that are wearing the shirts but that doesn't matter. They represent only a small portion of people who are supporting us and our sweet little boy.
Obviously, I know that not all heart baby stories have to end in tragedy. I so badly desire to see Easton grow up, to be a strong little boy, and a true warrior. One who doesn't give up easily, fights for what is right, and who's life can be seen as a pure testimony of how God can save the sick and heal what doctors say is beyond healing. Whatever His plan, He will continue to make the way and will be my strength when I have none.
I know that I end every blog by thanking those of you who have joined this journey with us but on days like today, it's the truth. For those of you who are constantly pursuing our hearts and loving us so well, a simple thank you will never be enough. We love you all and not a day goes by that many of you don't reach out to let us know that you love and support us. Happy Team Easton Bauer Day❤
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